All Alone

have you ever felt all alone? have you ever felt like there was no one who was there for you? like you were the only person in the world that didnt have anyone? 

ive already talked about how i feel, about how im depressed, about all of that shit. ive talked about how i suck at life, but i havent really touched upon the feeling of feeling alone. 

i constantly feel this because i constantly feel like im smarter than people, shut up, (i know that sounds conceited, but its not like you havent felt that before), and they just dont understand how i feel, or what i am, or who i am, or where im going. i dont even know, so when people ask me what my plans are for the future, i just look at them, and politely say i dont know, because i honestly dont know. im 15, i dont know anything. i feel comfortable with knowing nothing, i would feel uncomfortable if i knew things. 

i feel alone because no one takes the time and effort to get to know me, and i just cant trust anyone to get any closer than they already have. ive learned to not let anyone closer than 10 feet away in physical distance, and a lightyear in mental distance. its hard enough having to deal with the relationship im already in, its very depressing coming home to what once was your home, but feeling like you are out of place there. it hurts. im in love, yes, do i hate myself for being in love, yes, but i dont regret it because ive literally never felt safer with anyone else but this person. but i hurt because its so hard to be with her now, im 5000 miles away, 6 hours ahead, and just drifting further and further away each and every day. 

i feel alone because i feel like people dont understand me. im the only flower in a field full of wheat. i feel alone, i feel like i dont belong, i feel awkward, i feel like i can be too much for people. i feel like if i wasnt alive, peoples lives would be so much easier. i make an impression on people that im happy, funny, chill, but when you get to know me, god forbid, youll really understand that im nothing like that on the inside. i care too much about things that really shouldnt matter to me. i put too much effort into things that already are doomed to fail. im just a mess, mentally and physically. im not fat, but i feel slow sometimes, i cant move my limbs, my legs stop, my eyes shut, i wake up in my dreams, i feel alone, no ones home, just me and my thoughts. 

i think too much, about nothing, mostly things people dont worry about. its weird, because i sit in class everyday and i just think about everything. anything but what we are doing in class, thats what crosses my mind. im a blank sheet of paper on the outside, but on the inside, its like fucking leonardo davinicii painted my ribcage or someshit. its weird. 

i dont know anything, anymore, and i dont think putting in effort to know something about nothing is worth anyones time. 

 

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